Many days my heart just throbs from something I’ve heard, seen or learned.
This last week has been especially painful and hard.
It has felt like a mountain of chaos that has continued to grow bigger, filled with sadness and feeling so helpless. One crisis after another, most with no easy solution.
For the last week I’ve felt like I was swallowing down the pain even as it was gurgling up in my throat.
I couldn’t did not even want to process through all that had happened. Learning about several new cases this week of severe abuse, rape and abortions involving precious students in our school.
Our sweet 5-year-old student Valdano who is suffering from meningitis and hydrocephalus getting closer and closer to meeting Jesus.
Trust being broken by people we work with and believed were working with us.
And then, yesterday, my mom’s best friend of 40+ years, Mrs. Nancy, passed away.
She was someone who always encouraged me spiritually. She was the first one to buy me a study bible. She whole-heartedly believed in me and what I was doing in Haiti. She ALWAYS encouraged me with scripture and gave me her support. She constantly reminded and supported my mom about God’s plans He had for me and my family in Haiti.
She believed in this journey God put me on. She read the book before it was even published and then gave it out like it was candy, telling everyone about what God was doing in little Gressier, Haiti.
When I let everything settle in this morning, it felt like an eruption of emotion. Her death was like the straw that broke the camels back…I couldn’t hold it in anymore and as I got my ugly cry on I realized that I was trying to be the strong one instead of letting Christ be strong.
As I lay in bed this morning crying and feeling the pain that had been held up in my heart, I felt like this broken world had gotten the best of me. For a few solid minutes I felt defeated, broken and was about to be okay with nesting in my pit of sadness.
But then my husband came and spoke truth over me. Truth that is HARD to understand, HARD to hear when you are in the abyss of hurt in pain. Truth that is HARD to swallow when your pain is trying to make you vomit.
“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5
He spoke this over me telling me to remember that suffering brings us closer to Christ. He reminded me that this IS a broken world.
A world where we are worried about paying a 1 million dollar fine for a football team while literally 2 hours away there are children who can’t eat, go to school and are dying from completely preventable and treatable diseases.
A world where children are not always valued, loved and treated the way they should be.
A world that presents problems that sometimes DO not have solutions.
A world where things happen that are sometimes not logical and don’t make any sense.
But Josh and God did not let me stay there in that abyss of pain, hurt and hopelessness.
Because STILL, the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I was reminded that Peace is KNOWING something not always feeling it.
When my children in our school suffer and hurt, so do I.
When my family and friends suffer and hurt, so do I.
But that suffering has an end result that is NOT sadness, despair or pain, but is instead HOPE. Hope in JESUS.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18
I realized that for the last week I was trying to avoid feeling hurt and sad. Avoiding emotion is a lot easier than feeling sometimes…at least for a while.
But then, there it was, that glimmer of light. HOPE.
And He said, I have put your school in a position to be a LIGHT for these children. To be their SAFE PLACE.
And Jesus, who is all knowing, all-powerful, He saw it fit to bring Mrs. Nancy home. And her suffering on earth is finished, and she has now met her heavenly Father.
In the end, there is peace instead of pain. Joy not sadness. And no more suffering but instead FREEDOM in Jesus.
As my heart hurts because we have lost a beautiful, encouraging and God-loving mother, wife, sister and friend on earth, we can REJOICE because heaven gained a beautiful angel and now Mrs. Nancy is able to see all that God has done on Bellevue Mountain in Gressier with the Boss in heaven who really did it all.