Sitting on the bench mixed in with the other Son of God orphanage girls- there she was, head down, eyes filled with tears…her small whimpers were lost in the loud noise of the 30+ other girls who were enjoying their chicken dinner (after who knows how long of no chicken. ) As others in the room saw her sadness they asked me to come over, I tried to speak with her but to no response…finally I asked her to step outside and talk with me and she agreed.
What happened next not only opened my eyes even more to these girls pain, but opened my eyes to how desperately these girls need Jesus. Not Megan. Not anyone else, but Jesus and HIS truth.
I began by asking her if she was scared. She shook her head no. I asked if she was hungry. She again shook her head. I asked if she was sad, and that’s when she shook her head yes.
I asked why she was sad, no response. I asked if it was because she missed someone. She shook her head yes. As I went down the list…mom, dad (many of these children do have parents), friends, dog, cat…I got all negative responses. Wracking my brain for who to guess next, I just asked her “Who do you miss?”
Her eyes were glued to the ground as her left hand clenched on to my shorts…She began to say that the person she missed was “Pastor Max” who was the Director of Son of God Orphanage. My heart sunk and my stomach churned. This same girl who had told me of the beatings, of the starving, of the verbal and other abuses of this man. She missed him??
As I tried to keep the tears streaming from my eyes, I began to use what small knowledge of Child Psychology (believe it or not that was one of my majors) I had left to figure out her feelings and thought process…as I continued to do this and gently ask questions…my heart was BEGGING Jesus. BEGGING Him to guide me. I could hardly open my mouth as I realized that not just this one girl, but ALL of these girls in their minds have been abandoned in one way or another by their earthly father and this “Pastor” that controlled them for so long was probably the only “Father” they have known.
I closed my eyes tight and ONLY the strength of Jesus allowed me to continue…I opened my mouth and began speaking truth to her….Truth that transcends languages, Truth that fed right to her heart. I could feel her hand clenching my shorts tighter. Her tears continued to flow…I knew what she was doing…fighting God’s truth with her lies. Trying NOT to believe His Truth. Fighting Father’s whispers with her own shouting lies. I have been there.
Growing up without an earthly father, I have been there. Believing the lies of being unloved, alone, abandoned. My heart broke for her as I remembered that pain. Feeling like I was responsible for protecting and taking care of ME. That distant memory I have of believing the lies because they were easier to believe than Truth. Believing the lies about being unwanted…not being good enough.
I continued to pour the Truth out. The Truth that had been spoken to my CORE by Jesus. As I finished speaking and prayed for her, I PRAYED that she heard what God was saying to her. I BEGGED that she could start BELIEVING HIM.
As I hugged her limp body, my arms wrapped around her tightly and her arms dangled at her side. Anger bubbled up for a second at the fact that she didn’t just “Get it.” and believe the Truth I told her about a LOVING Father who cares for her. I so badly wanted her to hear the truth and believe it…but as soon as that bubbled up, I remembered MY struggle. Undoing YEARS of those lies. It doesn’t take hearing truth Once. It takes her hearing it over and over. As a child, her choice to believe Truth is difficult when all she knows is fear and those lies.
Although we may never be finished with replacing these lies with truth, my prayer is that she KNOWS how much her heavenly Father cares about her, LOVES her and desires for her to know her WORTH and VALUE in HIM.
Please pray for ALL these precious girls hearts. Pray for healing from the past and for rejoicing in knowing, really KNOWING, who they are and WHOSE they are. Pray that they hear Father’s whisper of how much he loves them and that they can believe THE TRUTH God says about them.