Every time I try to write a new blog I sit and stare at the computer for a while trying to organize a day or even an hour in my head. I try to rationalize, or put into words what is happening here in Gressier…and it just doesn’t work. Then, I settle for merely trying to put into small trivial words what my HUGE all-powerful God is doing here.
Haiti is such a hard, challenging and many times depressing place to live. When people come to visit they consistently ask questions about ME or what I am doing…I LOVE answering their questions and having the chance to share Jesus’ role in all of this…
I can tell you right now, there is NO way I would be in a place where it’s so hot I even sweat in the shower…where I have seen more tarantula’s, frogs, roaches and disgusting, unknown insects here in Haiti (in my bed, bathroom etc) than in my entire life…where I can’t just hop over to Chick-fil-A or Starbucks or even to a grocery store…
I am not here because it is easy. I am not here because I want to do something big.
Jesus’ voice is why I am here.
His whispers and His shouting has led me here…almost everyone that has visited since Respire Haiti began has made comments asking if I’m tired, or encouraging me to slow down because I will tire out or burn out…and to be honest, every night when I lay my head down to go to sleep- I am exhausted and Praise God for a night to recoup- but God’s mercies are new every morning and I am thankful for that…because God has given me the blessing and amazing gift of waking up fresh every morning.
Someone who recently visited asked where I got so much energy. And before allowing me to answer, he said, It’s God isn’t it? I LOVED being able to smile and say, “Of course it is.”
Haiti is a place that has just the right amount of heat, frustration, sadness and overwhelming need to drive someone crazy. People and organizations here always ask me “When does your contract end.”…or “How long do you HAVE to be here?” Haiti has the largest number of non-profit organizations per capita in the world…with over 9,800 nonprofits and 9 million people…the ratio ends up being about 1 non-profit for about every 1,000 Haitians. It’s incredible and incredibly disappointing that with such a large ratio, there is still more need here than I’ve seen in any other place in the world.
The challenging aspects of Haiti also leave it as one of the places where people try to quickly fly in “fix something” and fly out…(that’s a discussion for another blog)…
But the questions and comments I have received from people (both who live in Haiti and visitors) I have to take with a large dose of humor, confidence and point them directly to Christ…because OF COURSE, if this was just me…I would be EXHAUSTED. ANGRY. DEPRESSED. I probably would have given up and gone home by now. But it is not me.
Jesus’ voice is why I am here. His whisper to return to Gressier. His SHOUTING about fighting for these Restaveks and vulnerable children here. His voice guiding me through building this school, and serving this community. HIS strength, endurance and JOY.
I AM tired. Every day. Every night I get into bed and release the biggest sigh ever. A sigh that releases me of mistakes, failures, things I have forgotten or things I did poorly that day. I sigh knowing that GOD is leading me and as long as I continue to yield to Him every second of every day…things are happening just the way HE wants them to. I sigh and ask Jesus why and how He trusts me so much and then I concede to the fact that He probably won’t answer that question. I sigh and KNOW that I am imperfect, human and completely dependent on Jesus and I thank Him that He is who He is.
I sigh, Smile and just PRAY for continued Obedience. Faithfulness and Trust.